Dear 2013 NaNo Novel,
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement! I hope you are enjoying hanging out in the labyrinths of my unconscious mind. You're right - they are pretty breathtaking. Please know I did sign in and even entered a novel description and brief excerpt, which was in essence a copy/paste of first few words of the novel CATCH-22. Brilliant, right? But apparently the NaNoWriMo Powers that Be did not find it quite so appealing. They did not care for what I posted at all.
Alas, my account has been deleted, and my username has been blocked from the contest. Also, somebody added my username and email address to a site called "Stop Forum Spam." I admit that was a surprise as I have not posted anything in any forums, NaNoWriMo or otherwise. Clearly they are gunnin' fer me, my future 2013 NaNo Novel! But no matter. I remain committed to writing you, even though I will not be doing so on the shoulders of NaNo's amazing community. As is my usual strategy, I will write you in a matter of minutes and ensure that you are of a stupidly hilarious length. That's right. Like your older siblings, you will be a long 'un -- in excess of 1 million words.
I'll finish writing you on the first day, too. That way, I can be at the finish line, waiting. A story idea is beginning to form...
He was a writer, mister, and he loved NaNoWriMo.
He loved it so much he made a novel every year, using the usual techniques of his practice.
Word processing, databasing, recycling, appropriation, intentional plagiarism, identity ciphering, intensive programming.
But when he posted the description of his 2013 novel, it was deleted.
Later, when his username was posted on "Stop Forum Spam,"
he thought of the old days, years ago, when he wished people "good luck!" in the Nano forums
and they responded by saying what he did wasn't "real writin'" - that is, it didn't count.
The writer didn't cotton much to that. He didn't like it at all. So he pushed back. Told them he was going to steal their words, cut them up, process them in a markov text generator, and add them to his own novel.
"Words don't have brands on them the way cattle do," he said.
This approach seemed fairly benign to the writer. And funny. Not surprisingly, most people didn't think it benign and certainly didn't find it funny. Some people posted bad things about him. One person posted REALLY bad things about him, so the writer took those bad words and threw them
back in his face in the form of an excerpt for his NaNo novel. The writer thought that was entirely benign and very, VERY funny.
The writer soon learned he was only one laughing.
Turns out the NaNo Powers that Be didn't mind if people told the writer that his work didn't count
and they didn't mind if people posted bad things about him -- even REALLY bad things.
But they minded a lot when the writer said he was going to steal all their words and use them in his novel.
And they really minded a lot when the writer in fact stole those really bad words and used them in his novel.
So the NaNo Powers that Be banned the writer from the contest.
That was a long time ago - or so the writer thought. When his username was blocked and placed on "Stop Forum Spam, he realized that the old days weren't so old after all. The bannination was going to be forever...
The writer sighed and created a new username and told his future novel,
"I'll be waiting for them at the finish line - with a joke."
Yes, my 2013 NaNo Novel, this year is going to be gobsmacking and mind-bending!
Your future creator,
Please Write Me this November